I feel bad for classroom guy.

So. Obviously. Y’all know we hung out on Monday and such. And it was mostly great besides my rage about him not understanding how amazing he is. But like. I kinda hate the aftermath of hanging out. And I feel bad cause I keep texting him. Which I know is normal. But when I posted a story of how he needs a break based off how he’s been treating me over text, a guy replied saying I was overwhelming him and so I just kinda feel bad. And want to avoid him.

This just sucks hearing that cause I already have the mentality I’m too much for people and this also now stings more remembering I was called overwhelming by coworkers who seemed to really enjoy presence. (They didn’t Apparently)

So now I just am kinda sad. Cause I just really enjoy talking to him. But I don’t want to weigh him down. I just asked if he wanted to celebrate My bday next weekend with me and some friends. Got left on read. Then I asked if we could get coffee in two weeks (cause he can’t do weekly stuff but maybe he needs a break for three week this time) and also got left on read.

I dunno. I know he’ll eventually text me back if I text maybe this weekend but until then I’m kinda sad. Cause I really did want to celebrate my bday with him but I guess maybe I should have never rejected the idea. I had asked to drink the night of my bday but then realized that was a bad idea and took it back but that’s only cause I’m absolutely terrified if we’re alone and drinking together that I’ll do or say something stupid. I have a tendency to do that with him that I’m trying to break. So. Maybe it came off wrong. I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out one day. Right now I’m assuming he’s not interested in celebrating anymore but I feel like he surprises me very often. So yeah I’m still assuming he doesn’t wanna celebrate anymore. Which I don’t blame him. I prolly made him think I don’t feel safe with him when I’m really just terrified of myself.

Ugh. I hate liking him. He’s not a bad guy. I just wish I hadn’t fallen so hard cause then being friends would be so much easier. I wouldn’t be obsessively texting him. Or asking him to hang out too many times. I wouldn’t be scared of drinking with him only to make a move. I just don’t want to ruin things but it feels like anything I do ruins stuff.

I feel bad cause I worry I’m too much but he’s too nice to say that to me. But sometimes i wish he would just cause I tend to miss the hints. And I don’t wanna be too much for him.

This makes me miss liking HA. While I wasn’t as happy, I was a lot more comfortable being myself. I could text him constantly and know I wasn’t being too much unless he told me to back off which he rarely did. Ughhhhhh I hate missing him but maybe he was really everything I needed. I wish I had just stuck liking him. Cause then I wouldn’t be stuck in the fucking friendzone with a guy in crazy about. On top of that: fun time. But. HA wouldn’t commit to dating me cause I lived hour and half away.

Ughhhh. I just need dopamine. But nothing works out with guys. It really sucks. I just wish the love of my life would show up now. I’m really losing hope. Or Moreso I think I have no more hope. I knew classroom guy would never fall for me. And I stupidly thought HA would never leave but look where we are. I’m half right and half wrong. I feel so stupid.