How do I stop feeling like a mutilated freak?

After my failed surgery I woke up to a partial meta instead of an RFF phalloplasty. Being that this was not what I signed up for it was pretty jarring to say the least. I want to clarify that I believe my surgeon did everything right. (He recognized the phalloplasty would fail because the artery was too small, he completed the vaginectomy so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it later, and he did not do scrotoplasty because he told me he can make a larger one when the phalloplasty is done Bc usually they are smaller with meta.) That being said obviously guys who get meta are not freaks or anything, I just feel like a freak personally because of my circumstances. Because I don’t have a scrotum, I have UL but I cant STP because I have a fistula and the meta is still so low and “tied down”. At this point I would have rather had a full meta completed with a lift and more separation or extension so that I may have a chance to STP. When I woke up from surgery I asked if I would be able to STP because this is my top priority and he told me yes. What a lie. There is absolutely no way I can stand to pee with the anatomy he left me with. On top of that, my taint is not flat. I still have what looks like labia which I shouldn’t because I had a vaginectomy. It disgusts me to high heaven. I know he left the labia majora to be made into a scrotum later, but my taint should be smoother and flatter than it is and i hate the way it is now. I’m so disgusted and horrified by my own body, even more than I was pre op. I have been battling some major depression and suicidal ideation ever since this surgery. I hate to say it, but I absolutely regret getting this surgery. If i knew it would have been like this I never would have done it. Unfortunately there was no way for me to have known this would happen, I wish they tested/looked at my arm pre op or at the very fucking least MADE A BACKUP PLAN. Pre op a backup plan would sound scary, sure, but it would have saved me a lot of trouble. I probably would have told him to do nothing instead of what he did. What he did was with the best intentions of setting me up for a future phallo but that was ASSUMING I’d want to go through this again. I’m not sure i can go through this again. It makes me insanely depressed and angry that this possibility was never even mentioned to me prior to surgery.

Let this be a warning to anyone going for the surgery, TALK TO YOUR SURGEON ABOUT A BACKUP PLAN. 99% of the time you won’t need it, this was a very rare thing that happened with me, but it’s worth knowing IF things don’t go as planned at least you wont wake up to a complete surprise.

But now i feel so trapped like this in a body I fucking hate even more than i did before which i didn’t know was possible. If i am able to complete the phalloplasty i will be stuck like this for AT LEAST 2 years, maybe longer. That’s far too long to feel so botched and mutilated. I dont think I can live feeling like a freak for that long. I don’t know how im supposed to last until another surgery date… especially if ALT is my only option because i have too much fat on my thighs and i know I’ll be unhappy with the size being too big.