FTM of identical twins grieving not having a singleton first

As the title states, I am a FTM to spontaneous identical twins (MonoDi).

With all of the risks related to a MonoDi pregnancy I thought I’d feel an immediate relief they were here followed by a bond.. but I only feel one of those things.

I truly am so happy to be done with the hellscape that is a high risk pregnancy but I don’t feel bonded to my twins at all. I know it’s all about surviving right now but it makes me SO SAD I will never get the experience of doting on my first born child. I see all of these moms around me with their babes contact napping and snuggling and I basically spend my entire day on the floor just trying to keep us all alive.

Not to mention when I can have 1:1 time with a twin I feel so bad I’m not doing it with the other.

It makes me sad, it makes me angry, and mostly it makes me feel so alone because a singleton parent cannot relate. They try to say that’s how they felt when baby 2 and 3 came but it’s not the same … and honestly, I feel like twin life is people never understanding the challenges and complexities because “TwINz aRE a bLesSinG” … ok end rant.

Just looking for hope and validation from other twin first time parents