Forced Depression ?

I am in my mid-20s, and I have always been a mature kid in my house growing up taking care of others and sometimes even for outsiders. Slowly, I turned into this giver, a people pleaser whom everyone relied upon for help but never would do anything in return. It's not like my family doesn't love me but I don't think it's ever enough. I always crave this intimacy I never had not just the kind you get from your sp but like a motherly hug, dad's attention etc. Growing up I always wanted friends like those in movies who even would cover a murder for you without a question ; I never got that obviously and in the hope of getting it, I always invested myself in their problems more than required. After a few major heartbreaks (by friends and relationships) I accepted my reality, not having my expectations fulfilled and always being left behind was happening in every aspect of my life. Now, slowly I detached myself from people becoming a loner made me happy because my expectations were not hurt and I was not relying for my happiness on others. But nowadays it's getting to my head, I've no life whatsoever and that is eating me up don't get me wrong I totally don't want anyone in my life anymore bcz it sucks but I can't get this thought out of my head that why don't I have better friends, a relationship, better life? Why the fuck I can't seem to enjoy my life with what I have and when will I stop hoping it to get better when it already is 'kay? This deep-down hope that yes I'll have better people in my life one day only insinuates that it's not good now which has turned me into this numb , depressive all time sad person and fuck I want to get out of this stage . Any thoughts on what should I do?