Slowly sinking

Over the past few months I feel like I’ve been sinking lower and lower. I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, BPD, ED, and chronic pain my whole life, and just recently it’s becoming more and more unbearable. I feel like every day I’m feeling worse and worse.

There’s lots of things in my life that are going well and I have to look forward to, I’m very very very fortunate in that sense. I can’t help but feeling like I have no right to feel this way, there are so many people suffering and dealing with a lot worse.

I just started therapy again and I think that’s been helping. I’m working through my DBT skills, trying to build a life worth living, focusing on one thing at a time, noticing emotions and checking if they fit the facts, and general emotional regulation. But the frequency of my panic attacks are increasing, so are my nightmares. I’m still waking up in the morning either extremely anxious, or extremely sad and exhausted from spending the day before just getting through the day.

I’m also trying to focus on the things in my life I can change and take steps to improve my resilience and build up a sense of accomplishment in myself. And I can conceptualize these things but when it comes to following through I feel so tired and sad that even going through the motions of being active, or working on my art, or doing other things I’m supposed to enjoy just feel pointless. I’m not enjoying anything right now. It all feels so heavy.

I know that growth and strength comes from putting myself in situations that may feel uncomfortable. I’m starting a new job next week to get me into a routine, so I’m hoping that will help, but I have a lot of fears about being able to take care of myself and work 48-50hrs a week, I’m barely able to stay regulated throughout the day right now.

If anyone has any advice, or even just words of encouragement, I’d really appreciate it.