Screwed or just overreacting? A rant

Can’t believe I’m actually posting this. I always thought I wouldn’t fall into the trap of drinking but… yeah. I’ve been dealing with severe anxiety that interferes with normal functioning. I was prescribed medication but it made me worse so I went off of it. There were a few times where I seriously considered drinking but I made myself walk it off. Well, that was until November 14, when I was having a particularly bad mental health day. I gave into it and had a glass of vodka— it… worked, somehow. I described it to my friend as “liquid Xanax”. After it wore off, I swore I wouldn’t do it again. Well, guess what I did the very next night?

It escalated pretty quickly and I was drinking up to 8-12 ounces a night. At that point I was just making myself sick, but I wouldn’t stop. I’d go to bed, wake up in the morning, thinking about my next cocktail. It’s insane how quick I went from having almost no urge to drink to thinking about my next drink almost all the time.

As I’m a university student, I’m currently home on winter break and all I can think about are the drinks I’m going to have when I get back for spring semester. I spend a lot of time thinking about liquor and it’s even come up in my dreams. I haven’t had a drink in almost a week since I’m with my parents and they aren’t drinkers plus they obviously don’t like the path I’m going down. I told my PCP about it but she didn’t seem super concerned. Maybe because I’ve only been doing this for a month?

I don’t think I’m an alcoholic but I know my alcohol usage is problematic. Thing is, I don’t really want to stop, which makes me wonder how screwed I really am. Honestly, I’m probably overreacting. Problem is, it’s there. It’s always there, in the back of my mind, that urge to drink.

/end rant