Leaving adultery behind, but I don’t know how to move forward with what I’ve done.

Me (30F) and my husband (35M) have been married for 5 years, together for 13. Like everyone else, I stumbled upon this sub when I knew something was missing from my marriage. This was almost 2 years ago when I went on this journey.

In some ways, I regret discovering this sub but in other ways, I’m actually grateful for this little corner of Reddit keeping me in check while I searched for that “perfect” AP. Reading these posts have kept me grounded and reminded me that we are only human. We crave intimacy and affection just like anyone else, but the last thing we want to do is hurt our spouse in the process. So we carry this heavy secret while trying our best to keep our primary partner happy as well.

During my long term and short term AP relationships I’ve went through the past couple years, I neglected my husband’s needs at home. Even though he’s neglected my needs a while ago, and the romantic connection died with it, I was just going through the motions with him but with little to no affection. I started to pull back, and he started to reconnect with me on all levels again. He made so much effort to be the husband I wanted him to be, and I just could not reciprocate because I was focused on giving all of my attention to my AP.

Focusing on my AP made me think the grass is greener on the other side. But I learned over and over again, affairs have an expiration date. It’s not realistic, and they were just a bandaid on the real issue I couldn’t face: that I seek validation and self worth through men.

While I was seeking validation through married men that only wanted to lust after me, I have a man at home that only wanted to show me all the ways he truly loves me. And I ignored it, just to chase the butterflies.

I asked for a divorce recently because I know he doesn’t deserve someone that has betrayed him like this. I haven’t disclosed my affairing, just that I’m not in love with him anymore and that romantic and physical connection is gone which are all true. He’s devastated understandably, and I’m experiencing extreme guilt over this. He says he wants to do better for me and is still willing to make things work, but I don’t know if I can deal with the damage I’ve done even though he’s unaware of my affairs.

It’s hard for me to call it quits when I know I’d be losing the life we built together. But I only see him as a best friend, more than a romantic partner at this point. I’m so lost, and I don’t know what’s the best way to move forward with this.