My boyfriend assaulted me but I’m not traumatized

In late January my boyfriend assaulted me. I told him no many ways, I said “no” at least 4 different times, I said “I’m not in the mood”, I was pushing him off me and did at least one more firm shove that was strong enough to maybe give a small amount of pain but he just continued. I didn’t push him off me harder, I definitely could’ve and in the moment I was aware I could’ve but I actively chose not to. I actively chose to let him keep going without getting too serious about it. The nuance of the situation is I just kind of didn’t feel like it, it’s not like I strongly didn’t want to have sex. If I was really distressed I could’ve been more firm or pushed him away very hard and he would’ve stopped. But the reality is I was physically trying to block him and I made it very clear I didn’t consent. But weirdly still didn’t exactly mind that he did it. The sex felt more like an inconvenience, like someone was forcing me to walk somewhere with them even though I was tired. I didn’t FEEL traumatized or very upset. The sex was of course not pleasurable at all for either of us and after 10 minutes of penetration he gave up with no orgasm. I said something along the lines of “I told you, it’s not going to be good if I’m not in the mood” and he agreed with me. Tears did well in my eyes at the start when I realized he wasn’t going to stop but after some sex I got over it.

Ever since then, we’ve had major chemistry issues. He can’t get me turned on. I can’t get in the headspace. I don’t have libido with him. I am not afraid of him, I’m not upset with him, but that just kind of killed the physical spark between us. This isn’t a typical terrible rape story. We still have been so good. Emotionally he’s been such a great guy lately, and our emotional spark is absolutely still there. I almost appreciate not having sex because I’m realizing we have such a deep bond even without it. We had the most romantic non sexual Valentine’s Day and the fact we didn’t have sex added to the romance. I’ve been going to all his family functions like normal, I love how his family embraces me, and I fall more in love with him every time I see them because I love that he shares his family moments with me and I feel like I fit into them perfectly. He’s been really here for me in my most stressful moments lately and saying all the right things, finding solutions for my problems even when they’re not his to solve. Emotionally, I really, really am crazy about this man. Even physically I think he’s so unbelievably handsome. That type of physical visual attraction is still there, but the sensual attraction is gone.

We’ve had blatant non-judgemental conversations about how the sex has been bad lately, about how I have low libido lately, but I haven’t told him I think it’s because I’m affected by that incident. It was so casual he probably doesn’t even remember at this point. It didn’t even occur to me that that could be the reason.

This isn’t a “trauma response” from my body or anything— I swear. I’ve felt that and I’ve known that. This is more about how sex is in a different lens now, maybe it’s that it’s making me see sex as my obligation to him instead of something we do together. Maybe it’s that I’m turned off by how he doesn’t see it as a partnered activity where he should be tuned into me. When I think about the best sex ive had in the past, none of it was because of physical talent from the man. Good sex to me is just when my partner is absolutely tuned in and bonded and it feels like they can read my mind. I barely felt that way with him before and now I definitely don’t. I’m not sure if I’m making sense right now but I’m just really foggy in my thoughts about all this and I guess I’m just looking for some clarity here.