What is up with “emotionally intelligent” men saying that confrontation is someone being “mean?”

Just had a messy and shitty breakup that involved me confronting my ex for hiding that he was moving in with a partner so he could keep fucking me the month before he left. This happened the day after he got to his destination and we had fully broken it off, and he said I was being mean and attacking him for literally just saying that he did the thing and it hurt me. This kind of thing has happened so many times; a guy fucks up, I express that I’m hurt in a calm and sensible manner (with receipts if there’s denial), and the guy acts like I’m raining hellfire down on him. As if me saying “what you did hurt me, why did you do that?” Is abuse.

For reference I don’t identify as a woman and I thought he never treated me as one and was one of the good ally guys, but there’s something that reeks of patriarchy here.

Men are exhausting and I now realize why I thought I was a lesbian before coming out AGAIN as bi: this shit is exhausting, and so is this habit for turning things back around due to affirmation from the patriarchy that their fragile feelings are more important than the reality of how they hurt people with their actions. Hallelujah, holy shit.