I'm not reading my GF's suicide note addressed to me, and I probably won't ever read it

I'll cut straight to the chase. My GF killed herself. It was a few weeks ago when her Mom called me to inform me. I'm still not over it, I've been trying to do a lot of things like writing and making music to distract myself, but the thought of her still creeps in and ruins a day. I often blame myself, and I know a lot of people always say don't but it's hard not to. I probably won't ever try dating again, as it was hard for me to even find her, I have BPD and Adhd, and a lot of people don't want a partner who is like that: So yeah, she was very special. She had something about her, very magical. I've been crying myself to sleep for the past weeks or so over this. I don't hate her, I loved everything about her, but I hate her for doing this. Is that fair? Am I allowed to say that? Idk. I've been talking with her mom twice a week to see how she's doing and it has been very hard for her. She mentioned that I should come over, and read the note my gf left me, but I can't bring myself. I know it probably will answere some questions I have, but it probably won't. It will probably just make me more miserable and I don't know what to do about it.