I am extremely horny but repulsed by sex

I am insanely horny and I don't know why.

I have been verbally assaulted as a child and have always been uncomfortable with the topic of sex. I was repulsed by the idea that people would want that. My whole family was obsessed with sex and it was a nightmare.

When I was old enough to learn a bit more about it, I still hated it as much but noticed that my body reacted relatively early. I never enjoyed touching myself and my struggle with body image hindered me from trying it out with someone. I ordered toys from the internet when I was a teenager because I had a high libido but also wanted to be prepared for a day when I would have sex. When I turned 16 I nearly got raped, but in the end the guy "just" jerked off on me while touching me inappropriately.

Over the years when people made advances I was so uninterested that I believed I was asexual. But my body also reacted to everything. Kiss scenes, comments, thoughts, sometimes just like that, I got aroused so often. When I was 21 I was in my first ever relationship. I told him that I am not ready to sleep with him, even though every time we kissed I was so incredibly horny. After roughly a month he finally convinced me to have sex with him and I hated it, but I also didn't? I came at least twice everytime so it was not my body that hated it, but rather my mind. And I was always so horny that we did it quite often.

Even now that we're seperated, I am always horny and I can't explain why. The thought of just sex turns me on, but the thought of sex with a real person grosses me out and I don't want it but at the same time my libido is hard to control at times.

I am so confused. Sorry for this weird and specific rant, but I am still not comfortable to talk about that with people and it needed to get out.