In therapy today

TLDR: my therapist challenged me today and we accidentally brought up therapeutic boundaries and really hit a core so I don’t want to go back to therapy. But I also know this is why im going to therapy. How do I work through this??

This may be the wrong channel so let me know if so 😊

Over the weekend there was a misunderstanding about payment and fees. Anyways, my therapist emailed me about it and my reaction to a couple things were essentially stemming from abandonment and rejection. I felt I couldn’t come in today and she wanted to stop being my therapist.

Anyways, ended up going and we spoke about it. this went down a rabbit hole of how it made me feel we lost rapport, but the biggest thing is (red flag from me) I felt I couldn’t be as open to them anymore because the way I viewed them. I have a lot of trust issues we realised so in my mind I view them as a friend I’m talking to (healthy adult me knows we’re not but protector mode to open up thinks we are). So I mentioned this to her and we essentially spoke about boundaries with our therapeutic relationship (I knew all of this but my brain didn’t want to hear it). This alongside power indifferences/hierarchy, rejection sensitivity and change are big things I find hard due to I guess childhood

Protector me doesn’t want to see her again because I feel I can’t be open with her as everything is changed Healthy adult me knows that nothing has changed, she has just been clear about the label

I really am finding this battle super hard in my head. I feel to an extent she could’ve handled it better (ie not challenge as much when im heightened, graded approach to this). She said she wants to repair our relationship and work through it (aka help me be okay with this I think she means). I just don’t know how to do it. If anyone has any advice or tips to work through this, I would be grateful ☺️

I am a bit nervous posting because I know I am in the wrong, I just don’t know how to work through this right now.

EDIT: she replied to my message saying she is “really motivated to support the repair of this rupture. Part of it includes giving you time to consider and reflect on this boundary and whether it is something you’re willing to work towards accepting in our relationship.”

From a healthy adult me, this is great and she knows that I’ll need support and she’ll help me. Protector me feels like im getting told off and an ultimatum and essentially radical acceptance (also not good at). I wish I could just turn off the protector mode because I know he is not helping one bit