I wish I never had kids

I’m not sure if I’m just having a bad day or if something more serious is going on. Lately more and more I’m just so awake to what a scam motherhood is for women. We think it will be wonderful, that’s what society tells us, and it’s just not true. If you have any career aspirations you can kiss them goodbye. Wake up to the fact that your fantasy of equal partnership is just that. Say goodbye to “me” time. All the joy out of any activity you ever enjoyed will be siphoned away, including cooking, which is now a persistent slog that you can’t escape from, like Sisyphus.

Today, I got up and got the kids breakfast. We were actually on time to get out of the house for a change. I put on some Disney tunes in the car, all was well - then my daughter (5) gave my son (22mo) some kind of snack in the back seat, which of course he gagged on and threw up literally everywhere. Get to school and realize there is no school, which the teacher had mentioned in one of a bajillion emails from the school three weeks ago but (of course) never again after that. So we were in the car for nothing, the snack was for nothing, the throwing up was for nothing, and when we got home not only did I now have to both entertain the children all day WHILE trying to get work done and keep the house in one piece, I would also have to clean vomit out of every little crevice of the car seat, which - if you have never had to do this, consider yourself blessed. Car seats take a degree in Astrophysics to disassemble.

Where was my husband in all of this? Not at work, no. Hungover in a heap in the basement.

After I cleaned the car up, I came in and my daughter had opened the valentines that I bought that I explicitly told her we would work on next week together - she put stickers all over them at random, and they were everywhere. I asked why she got them out and she said she had “nothing to do.” (Are you fucking kidding me? The entire house is coming down with these kids’ toys, art supplies, play-doh; she even has a tablet.) I went ballistic. Of course I feel bad yelling at my kid, but how much are we women supposed to put up with? Literally no one helps us. Men are completely fucking useless and in fact actively antagonize and get in the way when we’re trying to do literally anything. (But yet, want a lollipop anytime they change a diaper.) Plus idk about you but my husband has this charming habit of criticizing the way I do things, sometimes in front of the kids, despite never lifting a fucking finger to help.

I sometimes fantasize about packing a bag and getting out of here. I wish I had never had kids; or if I had, that I had stopped at one. I would never hurt them, but I sometimes wish someone would take them away from me so I don’t have to deal with the invisible load anymore. And I actually have quite a lot of resources! I can’t imagine how people with less than what I have get by. I wish there were public service announcements warning women who are TTC what they’re getting into, so they can reconsider. I had two miscarriages last year and I was sad about it at first but increasingly realize I have dodged literal multiple bullets, because 3 kids would probably actually kill me. I’m just so tired of being tired and broke and angry all the fucking time. And I know they probably won’t even want anything to do with me when I grow up because I can no longer hide the fact that being a mom makes me absolutely miserable. When does it end?