am i even sick

i'm so tired of feeling absolutely horrible mentally and physically while knowing i "high restrict" and eat 1000-1200 cals a day. it feels like so much more compared to others who "low restrict". i feel so invalid, but i know i will binge if i eat so low for a long period of time so i stick to that although it makes me feel like shit still. i feel like i don't even have the choice of recovery because am i even sick anymore? does anybody else understand this, it is really frustrating knowing i struggle so much on calories others deem as not even being a valid issue. i am so confused and lost in this, and sometimes i want to get worse to show that i am struggling too :( i want this validation for some reason, idk this is kinda all over the place.