Chronic neck pain TW: suicide

F 23. I am so unbelievably tired of dealing with this every single day. Since June of 2023, l have had neck pain that's only gotten worse. I work in healthcare and I believe I did something while helping a patient around then but I wasn't aware until it caught up to me. At first it hurt here and there and it would go away, but it quickly turned into daily pain that sometimes gets worse but for the most part it's always there. Randomly I get sharp pains in that area (right side of neck/shoulder area), other times I get other pains that I have a hard time describing in other areas of my upper back, in the middle of my neck, in my shoulder blades, in the middle of my shoulders/spine, under shoulder blades, sometimes I can feel a “tightness” in my chest and it feels like it needs to “crack” but no matter how I turn it just doesn’t. My whole upper body has also started making loud popping and cracking sounds that I only hear in the elderly people I take care of. Sometimes it feels like when I stay in one position for a bit my muscles and everything are stuck/tense and that’s why when I move it pops in places I don’t even know. I began paying for insurance so that I could get it fixed and after insisting on getting an MRI, my doctor finally referred me to a place that does them but that place has been "reviewing" my referral for a month I am only getting more desperate. I can barely sleep. It's to the point where I am now crying multiple times a day and before bed because I am so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I am so frustrated because I feel like a broken record to the people around me, I feel like no one truly understands how this is affecting me because it's essential an invisible illness. Sometimes my neck just hurts from holding my head up, it hurts when my head is down, it hurts when I lay down, nothing that l've tried has helped. I've tried creams, oils, medications, stretching, special pillows, no pillows, switching how I sleep, massages, l even bought a shoulder massage machine. Last year I made my doctor do a X-ray and she stated the X-ray showed "Reversal of the normal cervical lordosis, which can be seen with muscle spasm." I did physical therapy for a little and it didn't help either. I'm worn out. I give myself 5-7 years of this because I can't imagine living the rest of my life in chronic pain. That's not what I planned for myself, I feel incredibly alone, neglected, and dismissed. I haven’t been suicidal for a very long time but I feel like this is bringing me to a dark place that I worked really hard to get out of. I’m also struggling with other issues that affect me daily, this is just the worst one right now because I get no breaks from it. I don’t know what else I can do. I’m doing what I can. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.