AITA if I decide to contact my estranged son?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ok-Caregiver6066

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA if I decide to contact my estranged son?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: homophobia

Original Post: January 26, 2025

hello everyone I don't know if this is the right sub reddit as I'm new with it so don't hesitate to tell me.

So I am a 42 yo dad and I have a wife let's call her Amanda. We have two sons together, let's call them Wyatt (20 years old) and William (18)

The thing is since my oldest turned 18 we have been no contact. To make it simple on his 18th birthday we had planned a party but when we got home he was nowhere to be found. Most of his stuff was gone. My son moved out at 18, we didn't know why and it's been two years. He's blocked us all, even his little brother whom he was so close just the day before leaving. it's tearing the family apart, Amanda still cries herself to sleep sometimes, William is a shell of himself and so am I. He isn't staying at extended family's house so until now we really had no clue where he was.

But last night I was at a restaurant with coworkers when I saw one of his high school friends. We started talking about it, he saw how desperate and heartbroken I was still 2 years after and I guess out of guilt he actually told me what happened. Basically we are from Idaho, and he moved to Seattle for a 'fresh start'. Apparently, my son is gay and he prefered to cut contact with us instead of coming out to us and then supposedly being disowned. He apparently said he believed we would prefer to have no son at all than a gay son. And I mean, I understand where he is coming from. Living in a small town in Idaho, where everyone knows each other and goes to church, I get why someone like him would be so scared to be true to himself here.

But im going to be honest. I don't care. It was a shock sure, a hard pill to swallow, I've even showed homophobic behaviour before but when it comes to Wyatt I realized I just don't care. I juts want him to be happy. I just want my son back. I spent the whole day trying to find his instagram, and I actually did. I want to tell him how much I love him and that I don't care. But I don't know if he would like that, he left for a reason. AITA if I contact him? Also I didn't tell my wife, William or everyone else. Should I?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of YTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sadly, YTA

Why would you think your son would feel comfortable coming out to you if you have been homophobic before?

And I have news for you, being homophobic but not when it applies to your own son makes you even worse in my eyes.

Anyone who feels fine hating on somebody else's child but changing your tune when it's your own speaks to your lack of character.

Your son left hoping for a better life. Leave him alone and hope he has found it.

If HE ever wants to contact you again, let it be his decision.

I think you should tell your wife and your other son. William should know why his brother left so he doesn't feel any guilt about it.

OOP: Thanks for the harsh but necessary truth. I will work on myself. This whole ordeal has made me realize what kind of person I am and I don't like it. Also, I will tell my wife and son tonight.

OOP responds to multiple comments on needing to do better for his estranged son

OOP: I am willing to change for my son because I love him so much. I believe that his decision made me realize how much I've failed as a dad and I owe him this. I'm truly ashamed he felt he had to cut contact to be himself, so yes, I will accept him. Thanks so much!

Commenter 2: So, here's the thing. You created an environment where your child did not feel safe. In fact, he felt so unsafe that he left without even a whisper. That speaks volumes to me. But then you literally cyber stalked him to find him on Instagram. Do you honestly believe that this will make him feel safe? It won't. Trust me.

My advice: IF you truly want to change your ways, start by volunteering for causes like Trevor Project or something similar in your area. Start becoming involved and making a true difference in the world, so other kids can have a safe space when their own parents reject them. If your church teaches homophobia, stop attending that church and find one that is inclusive. They do exist, believe it or not. Basically, I'm telling you to start working on the man in the mirror and be the change that your son would be proud of.

Until you do that, you have NO hope of reconciling with your son. Do NOT contact him. Let his friend know that you would like to speak with him, but let HIM make the first move.

Do better.

Commenter 3: YTA for having made homophobic comments in front of your gay son which ultimately made him feel unacceptable to you but I do feel, if you are ready to truly accept and love the man he is, then some effort to heal the divide between you is in order. That said, you have to be willing and to be able to accept him, not just be nice at first and then try to change him. He clearly left because he KNEW you would harangue him for this.

I have a gay grandson. Sadly, for religious reasons, his parents do not accept him. It was a very painful journey for him but he has worked through this and now he totally rejects his parents. It's a mess, but I can tell you that my gay grandson is one of the finest persons you could ever find and that, to me, is what matters in the measure of a man.

Don't bother to try to reconnect unless you can truly stand up for him and accept him. He left, I'd suspect, because he could not count on you for this kind of treatment.

To answer your specific question, NTA for wanting to reconnect with your estranged son IF you can do so with an open heart and mind.

Update: January 28, 2025 (two days later)

Hello everyone, I posted days ago about my oldest son Wyatt who moved out at 18 because he was gay and scared of reject. Your response was overwhelming, as as harsh it was, the truth was necessary. As you advised, I decided not to contact him yet, reday to make efforts to prove him I've changed when I do contact him. But I also decided to tell my wife and my other son, William.

So I sat them down and tolt them what I told you guys: how I met one of Wyatt's friend when I was out, how he told me everything about Wyatt and how much we should how love and support him regardless of who he is etc. And that's when the shocking news come. William already knew everything. Apparently, six months after he left, Wyatt called William and told him everything. William didn't tell me much about what was said but I know that they kept in contact (they text on a daily basis) and that Wyatt asked him not to tell anything to us. William, always loyal, did just that.

Long story short, my wife was crying because she didn't realize how awful she had been acting, and William ended up texting Wyatt to tell him we knew somehow and that we loved him no matter what. Then Wyatt called me later and while it was awkward at first, it quickly got better as we were catching up to life. That he was struggling with students loans but that he was still soing great. I offered to gather money for his tuition and he said 'I'll think about it'. We talked a lot more, it was mainly my wife and I apologizing and telling him how much we love him, not matter what, and that we're proud of him, that we are willing to change for him. He said he will be calling us in a few days and he will maybe visit this weekend.

I genuinely didn't expect things to go this way and I realize I'm so lucky he's even willing to talk to me. I swear I'll make it right and love him no matter what.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You and your wife are really lucky he will even talk to you. I can only imagine what he heard over the years from you two to make him leave the way he did.

OOP: I am well aware of this chance and extremely grateful for it. I will make it up to him, no matter what.

Commenter 2: Well done.

A tip: I know you offered money to help out, but right now, it can come across as “buying” forgivness or bribing him. If you do want to help him financially, it’s important that you clearly communicate (and stick to) that there are no strings or conditions attached.

If you give him money and then bring it up when he doesn’t visit often enough or don’t forgive you fast enough, then you’ve poisoned the well twice over.

Let him know that you want to help but understand that it’s not a fast ticket to his good grace and that you wont push it.

OOP: Thanks for the advice!

Commenter 3: you're doing exactly what a good parent should: taking responsibility, owning your mistakes, and showing unconditional love. The fact that Wyatt is open to reconnecting speaks volumes about his love for you too, despite everything. It’s amazing that William maintained that bond with his brother and that your family is taking steps to rebuild trust and create a more supportive dynamic. Keep showing up for Wyatt... words are a great start, but actions will show him you truly mean it. Wishing your family the best as you move forward together!

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