do you guys get SO embarrassed

i get so fucking embarrassed anytime anything slightly embarrassing happens to me. i have been trying to fight it but it still happens.

today in my piano class, (i’m in music school so we are all required to take a piano class, like 10-15 people in there) i got on my phone 2 minutes before class ended. i had been playing and following along in the class and doing everything i was supposed to do. but 2 minutes before class, my professor said “name, if you’re not gonna play and just sit on your phone the whole time, you should leave. i’m serious.”

that just threw me off so much. i immediately felt all the blood rush to my face and i just said “oh, um..” and sat there for 2 minutes until he let us go, then as soon as i left the classroom i cried. there are people in there that i have so many classes with and i want them to like me. i wanna do well so bad. and i thought the PROFESSOR liked me. he was supportive when i was having mental health trouble last semester, and he even told me i reminded him of his daughter.

it didn’t feel like a friendly, tough-love scolding. he was literally telling me that i should leave. he even clarified, “i’m serious”. he seemed angry with me. like, i don’t know. i know i shouldn’t have been on my phone, and that’s partially why im so embarrassed. i feel so stupid for not even thinking it was a big deal. but at the same time, i thought he liked me and I make As on all my juries(playing tests), i thought i was one of his “good” students.

i’m so sad. this happened over 5 hours ago and it’s just torturing me. why can’t i just let it go? why am i so embarrassed. why did he even have to do that in the first place. why couldn’t he have just given me a gentle warning. and then if i kept doing it maybe that would have been justified. but i don’t feel like it was right. i feel sad.