I'm gonna rope because I don't have a cock

Idc about phallo, it doesn't look good, I've seen dick graffiti that looks better.

the surgeons put it way too high up on the crotch, it droops down and looks frankly disgusting, the balls don't even connect, they make them look like dog testicals, or a stupid tumor growing out of there.

why does it seem that 90% of phallo surgeons never seen a fucking cock? Are they mutilating trannies on purpose? You're not guaranteed to even feel it. It's a floppy tube that you gotta blow up. That's all even if you're rich enough to get it, maybe it'll look decent if you get 10 correction surgeries and 6 rounds of tattooing.

I just want to be loved. No one will be in a relationship or marry me if I'm celibate, I hate myself so much anyways and avoid people, I'll never find anyone. Even my dad told me I'll never have a woman because I can't satisfy them. I hate not having a cock. I hate that I have to dry hump shit if I wanna feel pleasure. I wish I could just stroke a dick. It's called a "manhood" for a reason. I don't even feel like a man or even a human because o don't have a penis, I feel like an eunuch alien. I can't look others in the eye because I'm too humiliated pretending to be a man when I don't have a dick. I hate having to take a leak or shower and having to see nothing where I know should be something. I felt that way as long as i was conscious, I remember being a toddler and sitting on the toilet, looking down and just feeling something is wrong with that area. And on top of all that I have to have this vile, disgusting, open wound with a tumor that mutilated my body beyond repair.

My whole life was destroyed before I was even born. We are Jewish and I never went through the countless traditions all boys go through (ritual circumcision, Upsherin, learning to put on tefillin, a bar mitzva, etc etc...) my mother never loved me as her son, my siblings as their brother, my grandparents as a grandson. I'm just the weird queer relative people talk about in hushed tones.

I think I stopped being a person when I graduated to highschool, my puberty kicked in full force, I would sit In the corner of class and cry for the whole day. I cried because I had to watch my male classmates just existing as young men, I cried because I had to watch my body mutilate, I cried because i have the wrong gonads, I cried because i dont have a penis, i cried because i am not male.

I couldn't socialize with anyone. Eventually the teachers left me alone, they didn't force me to participate because they felt bad, imagine a teen child just sobbing nonestop in the back of your class. When I wasn't crying I was sleeping on my desk. I would spend the night awake so I could be passed out during school because I couldn't bear to exist in a place where I'm constantly dead named, misgendered and tantalized by what I missed out on.

Now im 18 I have no friends, or even accointances my age. no future, no life experiences, no personality beyond hating my life and being miserable. I spend everyday in one of my parents house, either playing video games till my head hurts or being on my phone all day to distract myself from it all.

I just want to die. To live means to be trans. I rather be dead than be transgender, I rather be dead than be a pseudo male. It doesn't help that the majority of other transgenders give me cancer. I hate when people think trans they think man with pussy getting fucked in it, pregnant man, basically a female who is female in all the ways that matters and loves doing those female things, but with a twist looks like a dude (except the parts that actually make you male)

Please don't bullshit me and say that it gets better. It won't, even if I get all the surgeries I still wouldn't be male. I don't want a fake cock (that doesn't even look, feel and behave like one) and uncanny silicone testicals because phallo is shit. I don't want to live as a female. If I can't have the right gonads, chromosomes and genitalia then I don't want to live.

I want put myself out of my misery and I will, I don't know when. I know how. I know it's the way to prevent even more pain.